Does God Exist?

Yom Kippur in 60 seconds

This year, this is about all I'm going to do for Yom Kippur.

 

How Could Jhan Moskowitz Fall In a New York City Subway?

I can't get it out of my mind that a fall on the head in a New York City subway was the cause of Jhan Moskowitz's sudden and tragic death.

I found a memory my husband Dan wrote of how he and I and other JFJ Campaigners chased him through the subways in 1988.  Was he perhaps running and leaping through the place that was so much like home to him?

I guess I'll never know....

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Dan wrote:

"Our first day began in the early morning with a grueling chase for the New York branch leader, Jhan Moskowitz. On and off subway trains, off at the 125th street station in Harlem, chase around the block past winos sleeping on the sidewalk, back on the subway. It was particularly scary going from car to car on the subway train as it raced beneath the streets.

I stayed behind with Jo Ann, who was getting too tired to run. Ironically, we caught Jhan as he came out of a station, having just given the slip to the vast majority of campaigners who had gotten stuck on a subway train he slipped off at the last second. We chased him longer but eventually gave up and went back to the JFJ office on 31st street."

------------------------------

I just found an explanation of what happened:

Jhan's death was sudden and unexpected.

It was raining in New York City on Tuesday, September 4 at around noon. The subway steps must have been slippery and wet. Jhan slipped and fell forward on a staircase going down into the subway at 45th Street and 3rd Avenue. I've been told that is Grand Central Station and that a policeman witnessed Jhan's fall. Jhan said something like "What just happened?" and the policemen told him he'd hit his forehead and fell. The policemen called an ambulance.

A JFJ co-worker was notified because he was the most recent person in Jhan's cell phone record. That person contacted Jhan's wife, Melissa. Jhan was taken to Roosevelt Hospital which is on 58th Street. Melissa arrived and was able to see Jhan while he was still conscious, but disoriented. His daughters arrived later at the hospital. Jhan's family was with him him through the night.

The trauma to his head caused significant bleeding on his brain. He died the next day. Memorial services were held in New York City, Chicago and Tel Aviv. He was buried on Sunday in a suburb of Chicago.

Well, now I know...

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The photo to the left was taken at Jhan Moskowitz's memorial service. I read at the following link below that it was very moving and that Melissa was standing up alone and singing to God during one of the hymns. I have read that the service is not available for the public to see, but...

Click here to read that person's thoughts on and experiences at the the memorial service in NYC.

My Thoughts About Jhan Moskowitz's Sudden and Tragic Death

I've known Jhan Moskowitz most of my adult life. He died on Wednesday, September 5, 2012.

He was in a terrible and tragic accident in New York City on Tuesday, September 4. I heard that he fell off a subway platform on his way to work and hit his head. His head injuries were so great (there was no brain activity) that his family chose to pull him off of life support.

I've had really no interaction with him for about twenty years.

I remember chasing him through the subways of NYC the first day of JFJ Campaign 1988. It was a training exercise to get us warmed up to New York City. I'll never forget how we were instructed not to lose him and he kept yelling, "30 feet!" We were told we had to stay 30 feet away from him, and not lose him. Eventually, he escaped us all by flying away on a helicopter!

The idea that he died in the NYC subways where he felt so much at home. seems so, so sad.

I have been reading the thoughts of other people who knew Jhan. I realized I actually don't have any memories of him that are all that personal, but in my mind, he was always there and part of a big "family" (religious group) that once was my family.

The thing is, I realized long ago that I can't ever again be part of that "family," so in a way, I'm mourning Jhan's death in my own way and it's lonely doing it that way...

Even if I was able to get to the memorial service in New York City, I know I would feel very out of place.

I am thinking of his family at this time. I had more interaction with his wife, Melissa, than with Jhan. Even my interaction with Melissa was limited.

I do know that Jhan was always very nice and even though he was not all that close to me, I am very, very sad he is gone.

I've been told that heaven has welcomed Jhan and he is being rewarded right now for his efforts on earth. I wish so much that I could really believe and know that is true.

My Rambling Thoughts 8-12-2012

Why do I have such a hunger for God and desire to learn all about God and biblical history, but feel like I know nothing about God and feel God is so far away? How could I have pretended to know anything about God ever?

I feel like I am several people at times. I become what people around me want me to be. Are there other Jewish people like me trying to seek God and dealing with all the issues I deal with?

Small Plane Crash Made Me Wonder If God Does Exist

Keith Green and two of his children died in a small plane crash on July 28, 1982. That was thirty years ago. The Greens had four children. Three year old Josiah and two year old Bethany were on the plane. Also, John and Dede Smalley and their six children died in that crash.

Melody Green was actually pregnant with child #4 at the time and there was a baby that didn't go on that plane.

I woke up this morning thinking about that plane crash, and also about the tragic plane crash that just happened to one of the skating families in Colorado Springs.

I just read about Trish Porter. I knew nothing about her before this past Thursday.  She was just another loving parent who took her kid ice skating. I've now learned that she is a strong, brave, and an amazing woman who has been through so much already. I know people will tell me that God had a reason for 1/2 of Melody Green's family to perish and that there must be a reason that something similar has just happened to the Porter family.

Pat Porter had just been inducted into the Rocky Mountain Hall of Fame on July 20, 2012.

The next morning, on July 21, I was sitting in the stands in the Colorado Springs World Arena Ice Hall watching my kids do pair skating.  Annabelle had a bad fall on the double twist lift.  Trish Porter was sitting right in front of me in the stands.  She asked if Annabelle would be okay.  It's hard for me to fathom that five days later, her life, and the life of her daughter, Shannon (who was skating on the same practice session as Annabelle and Joel), would have their lives changed forever.  It almost seems like a dream and it just can't be real.

I didn't know the Porters really, but they were such a "light" at the World Arena. Trish is so friendly and all the skaters love Shannon.  I didn't know Keith or Melody Green either, but I did visit their commune once just after I finished college.  Both people just sort of touched me, so I feel some connection with them.

These two small plane crash tragedies happened almost exactly 30 years apart to the day. Both women had amazing husbands, but also, both women maybe (or were/are) "called by God" (I don't usually use that lingo) to go on and to tell others that God is in charge.

I admit I have wondered how something so horrible could happen at all. In fact, horrible things have occurred in Colorado this past summer.

This week, I began to question if there is a God at all after hearing about the Porter tragedy, but thinking about Melody Green and how she went on for 30 years and kept on believing in God helps me to continue to believe that God does exist.  There has to be a reason that God allowed these things to happen.

I am still so, so sad and I'm thinking of Trish and Shannon Porter and also I'm thinking of the family of the other boy (who was a Collin Porter's friend) who also died in this tragedy.  I wish I could hug them.  I also wish I could hug the families that lost loved ones in the Aurora shootings.  I am also so sad for the families that lost their homes in the Waldo Canyon Fire.

• Plane crash claimed Olympian, two teens

Review of "God and Kings" - A Book By Lynn Austin

I downloaded God and Kings to my Kindle because it was a free book advertised on a free Kindle Books and Tips App.  I also downloaded it because I love to read historical fiction, and I especially like reading biblical fiction.

I wasn't sure I would really read the book, but since it was free, I thought it was worth having on my Kindle Fire to read when I needed something new to read.

I had no idea when I downloaded the book, that I'd find it to be so good and also, that the book would almost seem to "speak directly to me."   There is definitely a message in Lynn Austin's novel.

God and Kings is the first book in a series about the kings in the bible from the book of Chronicles.  This book is about the life of young Hezekiah, whose father was Ahaz, one of the wicked kings of Judah.  Ahaz does horrible things.  Hezekiah learns about Yahweh (God) through his grandfather, Zechariah, when he is a little boy.  He forgets about God as he grows up since Zechariah is taken away and hidden from him.  When Hezekiah becomes King of Judah, he is reunited with Zechariah and remembers God.

I realized, as I read the book, that I really didn't know much about any of the kings described in the Tanach.  I also didn't know much about the sacrifices that once took place in the Temple or how God's people had turned away from God.

Even though this story was about a past that seems fictional, there was some present day reality brought to the story.  The overwhelming theme is that believing and following God may seem ridiculous and outdated to people that don't believe or don't want to believe in God.

The people in the time of the kings had walked away from God, yet there still were some who did or remembered what their life had once been like when they did follow God.  Success and greed may have changed them, but in the back of their minds, they knew what God had done in their lives.  They had to decide if they would stay comfortably in the lives they had chosen without God or return to God.  It was a hard choice.  They also had to decide if they would publicly take a stand for God.

The point of this book is to show that God may be forgotten, but when one returns to God and takes a stand, goodness returns to one's soul and also good things may happen.  The book seems to make it clear that a life that is without God is a life that leads to bad things and destruction.  Thinking about all of this is scary.

Why Did 347 Homes Burn Down?

347 homes have burned to the ground in Colorado Springs, the town I've lived in and loved to live in.  The homes that burned were in a beautiful neighborhood that I'd visited and enjoyed.  Two people also died in the fire.  The city's wonderful happy place, the Flying W Ranch, is gone.

I don't get it.  I prayed and prayed for a miracle; instead my faith in God grew weaker instead... 
 

Book Review: Seed of Avraham - The 4000 Year History of the Jewish Family

A Jewish friend of mine recommended Seed of Avraham - The 4000 Year History of the Jewish Family by Othniel Seiden to a Jewish Women's Social online discussion group. I knew I would find it interesting since I love historical fiction.

This book perhaps should be called "Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Judaism, Jewish People, and Jewish History." Fictional stories are mixed with facts.

I feel I now have traveled through time. I've been through World War 2 and the Holocaust; I've been through the Crusades; I've seen the pogroms in Russia; I've been to Germany where Reformed Judaism began; I've walked to Palestine with a Jewish couple who wished to escape Jewish persecution in Russia; I've seen anti-semitism in its worst forms; I've seen a young Jewish boy ask to be exempt from singing Christmas Carols in public school; I've seen Jewish families deal with eating non-Kosher foods and not observing the Sabbath; I've met the Judge Deborah; and I've even seen David kill Goliath. I've met the Baal Shem Tov who founded Hasidic Judaism and I've even met Rabbi Akiva and learned about the Nazarenes and "Joshua the Messiah."

Yes, Seed of Avraham is an amazing read and is a "page turner" at times. There were also times I had to go back and read entire chapters again since there is so much information in this book. I wanted to understand everything and I learned so much.

The book tells historical stories through the eyes of average Jewish people that could or may have been my relatives. The book skips from thousands of years ago and moves to the present, then goes back hundreds of years, and then moves to the present, and then goes back two or three thousand years. What a great way to travel through time and to learn at the same time!

In addition, certain Jewish words and terms and names are highlighted in bold throughout the volume. I was surprised how many of those words and terms and names I already knew!

Here's some examples of the stories told in Seed of Avraham:

The story of King David is told through the life of a friend of David's who's father was the armor bearer to King Saul. Other stories like the Inquisition, the Holocaust, and Columbus' journey are also told. I found out the many people think Columbus might have been a secret Jew!

The reader "hears" the stories because they are told through the eyes of people who were "there."

The book will be of interest to people of all faiths, but people who are Jewish will especially enjoy it because this book is the story of any Jewish family. Since my grandmother may have left Russia for a better life in the USA like some of the characters in the book, I especially related. There were stories my dad told me about his life as a young boy in the USA that were similarly told in this book.

I also related to the "search for something more" that occurs for a character named David. Although his secular life provided great fulfillment, at the end of the book David realizes that his desire to serve and know G-d was and is very real. I'm wondering how many Jewish people may experience something similar.

Another wonderful point the author makes is that Jewish people are truly a connected family. How great that is!

Readers should know this book is very, very long, and there are some typos in the book, but it is a great read.

Movie Review: Letters to God

Last night, I wanted to watch a movie on my Kindle Fire, and came across "Letters to God."  

The movie is based on a true story.

The story is about a little boy named Tyler who is dying of cancer.  Every day, Tyler writes letters to God.  His faith is sweet and innocent.  He doesn't give up, although those around him want to give up.

What his family is going through is horrible and also, some of the people around him are also facing horrible things.  Faith and prayer is what keeps many of the characters in the movie going.

Tyler even sends a loving letter to a boy that bullies him about his illness because he wants to love others the way God does.  That boy does change his attitude.

Tyler gets others to look at their own lives.  They call out to God and then their lives do change.

I had no idea, when I started watching the movie, that is was a Christian movie.  In fact, many of the "good people" in the movie seemed to be gentile church-goers.  There is nothing wrong with gentile church-goers, that just caught me by surprise.  There seemed to be no Jewish people in the movie.

Although there were no Jewish people in this story, I found myself relating to so much that went on.  There are times when I cry out to G-d.  There are times I don't understand why things happen.  There are also times when it seems like everyone around me is happy, but I feel so alone and seek G-d for answers.

The story is supposed to inspire, but for me, it confirmed that I just don't belong in a "church-like" world.  The God in this movie is a different God than the Jewish God.

Humanistic Judaism

Humanistic Judaism combines Jewish identity and culture with a human centered approach to life.

Humanistic Jews celebrate Jewish identity and use poetry and prose to express that connection. Humanistic Jews sing Jewish songs in English, Hebrew, and Yiddish.

I wish I could visit a Humanistic Jewish congregation and see what it is like. I'm not sure such an approach to Judaism is for me since from what I've read, Humanistic Jews don't believe in God.

I do believe in God so very much.  I just can't seem to be able to seek God alone, and God seems to be farther and farther away from me lately.  This is also why I haven't written much on this blog in the past month or so.  I need some sort of spiritual recharge...

Easter Versus Passover - A Very Funny Video!!

This is a very funny video comparing Easter and Passover. Enjoy!

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

My Book Review: Called to Controversy - The Unlikely Story of Moishe Rosen and the Founding of Jews for Jesus

I just finished reading Called to Controversy - The Unlikely Story of Moishe Rosen and the Founding of Jews for Jesus.

I must admit that I had not planned to read the book at all since I thought I already knew everything about Moishe Rosen and more than I wanted to know about Jews for Jesus.

I also have tried very hard for the last six months to bury most of my memories of Jews for Jesus.  I had decided to keep some doors to that group open, but just slightly through contact with just a few people associated with that organization.

I had come to the conclusion that I like being Jewish.   My family is Jewish.  I love being Jewish and seeking God as a Jew.    

What changed my mind about reading the Called to Controversy book was my daughter Annabelle's Amazon Kindle Reader. Our family was away for this past weekend in the mountains, and I realized I wanted to read before going to bed, but I had not brought a book to our vacation home.

Available electronically:

Annabelle showed me how to use her Kindle and I started browsing the Kindle Bookstore. Wow, what a wonderful invention the Kindle is!

 (Moishe would have loved having one by the way...he loved gadgets, I know...)

I discovered that having a Kindle is like being inside the best library or bookstore and being able to browse while laying down on a couch or bed.  How cool is that!?

Anyway,

I discovered that I could read a sample of the book about Moishe's life for free, and felt that I might as well since it would be good bedtime reading.

The "sample" turned out to be quite long and complete. I learned things about Moishe's early life that I never had heard about before. I was intrigued.  I wanted to read more.  The next morning, I clicked on "Buy This Book" and kept reading.

Now some background about my relationship with Moishe:

Unlike some readers, I actually know many of the people Ruth Rosen talks about in Moishe's biography. I've been inside of Moishe's house and have been inside of Jews for Jesus Headquarters many, many times. I took Ceil Rosen (Moishe's wife) ice skating several times and I recall helping his grandchildren ice skate too.  Moishe gave my husband Dan, and I, a beautiful Mezzuzah case to put on our doorpost of our home when we moved to Colorado over twenty years ago.  When my son, Joel, was born, Moishe gave me a coin that said, "For This Child I Prayed."  To celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary, Moishe officiated when we renewed our wedding vows under a traditional Jewish wedding Chuppah.

Moishe also spent hours talking on the phone, emailing, and chatting with me online in 2003.  As time passed, we did not communicate as frequently, but once in awhile he looked at videos of my children and praised their skating.  I have ate meals with Moishe.  And yes, he did touch and affect my life.

Some background on my relationship with Moishe's daughter Lyn and son-in-law Alan:

Shortly before my mother passed away in January of 2011, Moishe's daughter, Lyn, and his son-in-law, Alan, took the time to see me when I was visiting my mother in the Chicago area just before my mom died. It was December 26, 2010. We went to Panera bread and must have been together for at least two to three hours. Lyn brought her daughter Bethany's wedding album and shared it with me.

After they dropped me off at my mom's hospital room, I reflected on that encounter. Lyn's love of God radiated out of her, and also, I felt that some part of Moishe lived on through her. Alan also shared a love and concern for me and cared about what I was going through because of my mom's illness.  I was so, so moved.  Moishe had died only about six months before.

I also remember Lyn mentioning that the biography on her dad was almost ready to be published.  There was excitement in her voice as she talked about the book.

Background on my relationship with Moishe's daughter Ruth:

About a year before I met with Lyn and Alan, Moishe's other daughter and the author of Called to Controversy,  Ruth Rosen, had "unfriended me" on Facebook.

Sometimes I don't notice when I'm "unfriended," since I have so many "friends" on Facebook, but I noticed that I was no longer Ruth's friend on Facebook almost right away because Ruth had been posting updates on Moishe's health.  All of a sudden, there were no updates coming through my Facebook newsfeed.

I was genuinely interested in what was going on and asked Ruth if the "unfriending" could be undone, but Ruth explained that she really did not know me well enough to keep me linked to her as a Facebook friend during the time her father was dying.  I eventually accepted being unfriended.

Then, about four months ago, Ruth wrote to me again and told me she'd started a public page on Facebook and I could interact with her there if I wished.  I wrote her back and told her that I had come to the conclusion that I didn't want to hear about what people in Jews for Jesus were doing every time I opened Facebook.  In fact, I had taken the time to Unsubscribe most Jews for Jesus people from my Facebook newsfeed for that reason.  I told her I decided that I could never be part of Jews for Jesus again, but if I saw her or someone else that was part of that ministry, I could possibly hug them and move on just as Jacob and Esau did when they reunited and reconciled.

I did not think I would ever read her book, but I did not say that in my email.  Ruth wrote me a nice note back.

Now for my review of Called to Controversy - The Unlikely Story of Moishe Rosen and the Founding of Jews for Jesus:


I give it 3.75 Stars


Most people who have been a part of Jews for Jesus know the stories that are told in Ruth's book, but there were some stories I had not heard or don't remember hearing and have now heard again from another point of view.

Moishe Rosen's childhood and teen years were fun to read about.  I thought it was "so cool" that he met Ceil when she was only 14 years old.  I loved looking at a photos of Ceil and Moishe at 15.

I didn't know that Moishe stopped his occasional shoplifting to please Ceil.  I didn't know that he lied about his age (when he was only 16) to spend the summer in the National Guard and beat up his commanding officer when his Jewishness was attacked.

I didn't know that Moishe worked for Gart Brothers Sporting Goods.  I could imagine him selling sporting goods.  It was fun to see a photo of Moishe and Ceil as a young married couple too.

Reading about their conversion to Christianity made me very uncomfortable.

They immediately started going to church and dived right into the Christian world.  It was not easy for them to tell their immediate families, and I was sad to hear that Ceil's adoptive family cut off all ties.

I never knew that Moishe had a real experience of feeling called by God to Jewish missions.  He felt God had called him just as Paul the Apostle had been called.

The middle section of the book tells about Moishe's life after he left Denver to become a minister with the ABMJ (American Board of Missions to the Jews).  That section of the book is NOT an easy read and is so very boring in my opinion.  It seemed as if every single person who Moishe met and worked with was listed and mentioned.  That section of the book was not only boring, but it seemed that Moishe was bored and discouraged during that time.

I vaguely recall hearing that Moishe and Ceil had lost a baby, a son, during that period.  The book gives more details of that loss.  For a year after the stillborn baby died, Moishe only went through motions and the book says that his connection to God was gone during that time.

It was fun to read about Lyn and Ruth as babies, tots, young kids, and then teens.  I found out that Ruth almost didn't make it when she was a newborn baby.  I found out that Moishe wondered how he was going to pay Lyn's hospital bill.

It sounded like Ceil kept a wonderful home and I could picture the family having a wonderful time together at dinner.  I was impressed that Moishe took the time to make sure a store owner apologized to Lyn and a friend for falsely accusing the girls of shoplifting, but still got everyone home in time for dinner.

The last part of Called to Controversy is the best.  Maybe it is only the best for me since I know and knew so many of the people mentioned and was "there" when some of the things mentioned actually happened.

The early days of Jews for Jesus were exciting ones because the group started because hippies thought "Jesus was cool."  Moishe decided to minister to those hippies and "those hippies" were excited to serve God with Moishe and do radical things.  In 1977, I read a book called Jews for Jesus that Moishe wrote and was convinced after reading it that I wanted to join that "cool" scene.  Although I know that story well, it was fun to read it again in Ruth's book.

As Ruth discussed the 1970s to the 1980s and 1990s, I knew more and more of the people she mentioned in the book.

I found myself especially teary-eyed when I read how Moishe helped Sally Klein-O'Connor start Improbable People ministries and paid for her first album.  I remember being "there" when that happened.

Then, I broke down completely when I read how Moishe wished he could have been "there" or done something for someone he had once been close to who had been involved with Jews for Jesus whose child died of a heart condition.  I know who Ruth was talking about, and I never knew that Moishe cared at all for that family.  It broke my heart that they never could reconcile.

Reading about when Moishe gave up his position as  Executive Director was also interesting.  Moishe had shown me some of his online ministry tactics in 2003 and I even knew the person that was mentioned as helping him with that.

The end of the book also had me in tears as I read of Moishe's failing health and discovery that he had terminal cancer.  Reading about how his family was around him in his last days made me feel that I, and others who knew him, got to be there too.  I feel so privileged to personally know the members of his family and also some of the other people that were there for his family when he died.

I give this book 3.75 stars (not 4 or 5)  because, the middle section of the book is just so boring and is such a tedious read.  I can't believe anyone could really read that section without skipping to the end, but my Kindle made that hard to do.

I am glad I read Called to Controversy- The Unlikely Story of Moishe Rosen and the Founding of Jews for Jesus because I know that Moishe Rosen touched many, many lives, including mine.  Some people were touched in a positive way; others were not, but this story needed to be recorded somehow and somewhere.

Further Reading:

• My Memories of Moishe Rosen - By Jo Ann Schneider Farris, May, 2010
  

Circle Chant

I love ta song called "Circle Chant" from the Celebrate Passover CD.

Circle Chant

Music and Lyrics by Linda Hirschhorn

Circle round for freedom,
Circle round for peace.
For all of us imprisoned,
Circle for release.
Circle for the planet,
Circle for each soul.
For the children of our children,
Keep the circle whole.

It's a Passover song. The song shares the message of passing traditions on. I've been listening to the song every day for a week!

I think this is what the message of Judaism is. It is about the "Circle of Life." At Passover, I think about how it is so important for me to continue to pass some traditions on to my children. Hopefully, when they grow up and have their own families, that they will remember the Passovers they celebrated when they were young.

Also, it is mind boggling to think of how many years Passover has been celebrated by the Jewish people. The idea that it's been celebrated since the time of Moses "blows my mind!"

The 2nd half of the video below shows a Jewish choir singing the song:

I Want to Belong Somewhere...but I don't want to get sucked into any religious group

There are two movies about young people joining religious cults that have always intrigued me.  They bring back memories of the deep sense of wanting to belong somewhere that I felt when I was young.

Ticket to Heaven has been called "A lost gem of the early 1980s." That's a good way to describe the movie.

The movie is about a fairly normal Jewish man from Toronto in his early 20s named David.  David is going through some tough times. If I recall correctly, he lost his job and broke up with his girlfriend.

To help deal with his troubles, David decides to take a trip to visit a friend named Karl who has moved to San Francisco.

Immediately, Karl introduces David to the friends he's linked up with in San Francisco.  The friends tell him they run all sorts of causes and are some sort of a cooperative that does charity work and lives happily together.  They talk David into going on a retreat to somewhere in the California mountains.

At first David is not interested in all the "love bombing" that the group gives him during the retreat, but eventually, he does get sucked in and joins the cult.  He contacts his family and friends back in Canada and tells them he's not returning home.

David's good friend,  Larry, then goes out to San Francisco to check things out because something just doesn't seem "kosher" about David's sudden decision.

Larry almost gets sucked into the cult too, but escapes and returns to Canada.  There, he reports what he has learned to David's family and friends.  They decide to go to San Francisco and rescue David by kidnapping him and getting him out of the cult.

There are some scenes in the movie that remind me of my days with JFJ. The movie starts out with a van driving through San Francisco. There is a feeling of happiness in the van. I used to feel that just before I passed out broadsides (tracts) with JFJ. We all were united and I felt safe inside that van. When we went out onto the streets to share our message, I knew soon I'd be back safely in that van and I'd be safe among my friends. In order to belong, I had to go out and share a message (even if I may not have believed in what I was doing).

There is a scene where David goes off on his own when he couldn't sell flowers. He goes inside a restaurant and eats a hamburger. There were times I felt like doing that.

A similar movie, that also has almost has an identical plot is Blinded by the Light, another 80s film starring Kristy McNichol and Jimmy McNichol. In this story, Jimmy plays another young man named David who is happily part of a cult. His sister, Janet, decides to check out the cult to see if it is really as bad as her parents say it is and almost gets sucked in, but gets away. Janet and David's parents hire someone to get David out.

What's similar in both movies is how much David (in both movies) liked belonging to the groups. Getting taken away from the group was really, really hard. Everything logical didn't seem logical as I watch both Davids deal with the de-programmers. They want to be back with the group and believe their loving family and friends have done an evil thing by taking them away.

There's also a scene in Blinded by the Light when one of David's fellow cult members stops selling flowers and just sits down on the street and sings. He gave up selling flowers because he realized all of a sudden what he was doing was pointless.

I never did that, but there were times I felt like just throwing my tracts away and walking around or going to a coffee house to fill in the time before my team leader returned to take us back to the safety of the JFJ van. There were times I thought what I was doing was ridiculous, but I wanted to belong to the group so much that I just kept doing what I was doing.

Anyway...

As I think about both movies, I realized what I miss about being part of a religious group is that I have a tremendous need to belong somewhere, but I don't fit in with any religious group. I don't belong in the Christian world, but I also don't belong with Orthodox Jews. I don't want to be part of a reform synagogue either. I'm interested in spiritual things and seeking G-d, not the social aspect that is part of the more liberal synagogue or Jewish social groups.

I guess I will never quite belong to any religious group again, but I do know that I want to seek G-d. I know I can't do it alone though. Sometimes I don't quite understand why. If my relationship is between me and G-d, why do I need others to make that connection?

Book Review - Unorthodox: The Scandalous Rejection of My Hasidic Roots

I heard about the book Unorthodox: The Scandalous Rejection of My Hasidic Roots from a Jewish women's online discussion group. I thought I might as well read it.

Once it arrived, I couldn't put the book down since it was so upsetting!

For years, I've studied with a program called Partners In Torah. I've admired Orthodox Jews because of that experience.

My Partners In Torah study partner has taken me on a tour of Orthodox Jewish life and I've only heard and learned positive things.  What she describes is a loving community, a loving family, and a God that she and those around her seek in such a wonderful way.  The rules surrounding Orthodox Judaism don't seem like rules when we talk.

I'm also now studying with a program called TorahMates.  I've only talked to my study partner three times so far, but her world, too, is a wonderful place.  Yes, there are rules and restrictions, but again, it seems that that those rules and restrictions just make connections to G-d stronger.

I've also admired the Chabad Lubavitch, an ultra-Orthodox Jewish sect whose mission is to educate Jews all over the world about Judaism.

Through Chabad, and also through Partners in Torah and now Torah Mates, I've learned so many things.  For example, I wouldn't know about Jewish weddings, marriage contracts, Jewish marriage rituals, Shabbos, Passover, Purim, how to read Hebrew, and lots of other things if it hadn't been for my contact with these groups and for their willingness to share information with me.

It just never occurred to me that some Chasidic Jews felt trapped in that world and wanted out.

Deborah Feldman tells her story "like it is."  She didn't do anything different than I did when I told my
story in my book Sentenced for Life.  I told the truth.  Ellen Kamentsky told the truth in her book Hawking God.  Deborah Feldman tells the truth too.  All of us wanted "out."  All of us just told our stories.

All of us did get "out."  The thing is, my story and my life has continued.  So has Ellen's.  And...so will Deborah Feldman's life...she's only about twenty-six years old now.  She may look back.  She will remember.  What she experienced will never quite leave her.  I've always admired Ellen since she seems to have never looked back.  I admit I have looked back.

Now...back to Deborah Feldman:

As I read Deborah Feldman's story, I was horrified! I have heard about almost everything she described.

I had always thought of the Mikvah experience as a wonderful experience. Feldman's experiences were awful.

I thought of family in her community as the most wonderful thing in the world. Her family was not a wonderful. It didn't seem like she was ever loved.

Until I read this book, I thought Jewish day schools and Jewish camps were special places; now, I'm not so sure.

One thing I am sure of: I'm so glad I was not born into a Chasidic family! I'm so glad my parents and grand-parents were "your average secular Jews" and not "religious fanatics!  I'm also sure that I would never again want to venture further in any fanatical religious world or into any place where religious practices, thoughts, or rules could control my life or the lives of those I love.

Miracle Days Purim Spiel

This is one of my favorite Purim videos!

Mi Ban Siach - A Jewish Wedding Song

I'm so excited!

I recently hooked up with a program called TorahMates. Today, my study partner, an Orthodox Jewish woman and mother of 10 children from Brooklyn, just told me all about Jewish weddings and showed me this video of her daughter-in-law circling with the two mothers seven times around her son in the Chuppah.

You know, just because I'm Jewish doesn't mean I knew anything about Orthodox Jewish weddings. I've never been to one. I had no idea what an Orthodox Jewish wedding was like until today.

Here's what the words Mi Ban Siach מי בן שיח, the song sung to a Jewish bride as she enters the chuppah) mean:

Mi bon siach shoshan chochim,
ahavas kallah, m'sos dodim,
hu yivarech es hechasan v'es hakallah
מִי בן שיח שושן חוחים,
אהבת כלה, משוש דודים,
הוא יברך את החתן ואת הכלה

Translation:

He who understan​​ds the speech of the rose among thorns, the love of a bride, who is the joy of the beloved ones, may He bless the groom and bride.

Alter​natively,​ the lyrics (based on middrash Shir HaShirim Rabba 2) may be rendered:​

One who knows how to say the Sheva Brachos, [and is thereby like a] rose amongst thorns, who understan​​ds the love of a bride and the joy of lovers, he will bless the groom and bride.

I Figured Out Who I Am - I'm a "Spiritual Jew"

I have been trying to figure out exactly who I am spiritually.  I have such a hunger for G-d, but yet, I know, deep down, I can not be and never will be an observant Jew.  Maybe if I had been born into that way of life, I would have flourished there, but the fact is, I grew up in a secular Jewish environment, and I have lived most of my life as a secular Jew.

However....from the time I was a little girl, I've had a hunger for G-d.  I love seeking G-d and learning all I can about God and about Judaism.  I love reading the Torah and the Midrash.  I love the stories about Moses, Joseph, and the patriarchs.  Seeking God from a Jewish perspective has been what I've been doing for years and years.

I know that I don't want to take part in that "other religion," but yet, I admire those who choose to follow G-d in that way; it works for "them."  Although I have memories from "that world" and once was part of that world, I know I don't belong "there."  It's just not for me.  In fact, there's only a few people in that world that I feel comfortable staying connected to.   

So who am I?  What have I been seeking?  What is my search for God really about?  What do I believe?

Today, I heard the term  "Spiritual Jew."  That describes me.

EIN KELOHEINU - There Is None Like Our God

I was just playing this on the piano today. Love it!

--------------------------------------------
EIN KELOHEINU - THERE IS NONE LIKE OUR GOD

There is none like our God, there is none like our lord,
There is none like our king, there is none like our saviour.

Who is like our God, who is like our lord,
Who is like our king, who is like our saviour.

Let us thank our God, let us thank our lord,
Let us thank our king, Let us thank our saviour.

Blessed be our God, blessed be our Lord,
Blessed be our king, blessed be our savior.

Thou art our God, thou art our Lord,
Thou art our king, thou art our savior.

Thou art the one before whom our fathers
offered the spice offering.

Ein ke-lo-hei-nu Ein Ka-do-nei-nu
Ein k'mal-kei-nu Ein k'mo-shi-ei-nu

Mi che-lo-hei-nu Mi cha-do-nei-nu
Mi che-mal-kei-nu Mi ch'mo-shi-ei-nu

No-deh le-lo-hei-nu No-deh la-do-nei-nu
No-deh l'mal-kei-nu No-deh l'mo-shi-ei-nu

Ba-ruch e-lo-hei-nu Ba-ruch a-do-nei-nu
Ba-ruch mal-kei-nu Ba-ruch mo-shi-ei-nu

A-tah hu e-lo-hei-nu A-tah hu a-do-nei-nu
A-ta hu mal-kei-nu A-tah hu mo-shi-ei-nu

A-tah hu she-hik-ti-ru a-vo-tei-nu
l'fa-nei-cha et kto-ret ha-sa mim.

Shema - Understanding Judaism's Most Important Prayer (From Aish.com)

Wow...this video explains why every time I say the Shema, I feel so amazingly happy and taken care of...

Chabad In Colorado Springs

Until I met this Chabad family, I had never really been exposed to Chabad. They have done a wonderful job in Colorado Springs. I saw Mendy grow up since we got involved with Chabad of Southern Colorado about 10 years ago. If Chabad had not come to Colorado Springs, there are so many things I would have never learned.

Very Cool Story!

Me and Jonah

I realized just a few nights ago that I may have something in common with Jonah.  Have I been trying to run away from G-d?

• Jonah and the Whale - From AISH.com

Our Friend, Martin

Every year, my kids and I watch this wonderful video telling the story of Martin Luther King Jr.'s life.  I'm so glad Martin Luther King Jr.'s dream came true!

I Am Jewish

This is a very powerful and moving video.  It actually made me cry...

Sharing: "I've Converted To EVERY Religion (Just In Case)" - So Funny!

My son shared this video with me.  It's SO FUNNY!  Maybe this guy is "doing it right?!"