I Want to Belong Somewhere...but I don't want to get sucked into any religious group

There are two movies about young people joining religious cults that have always intrigued me.  They bring back memories of the deep sense of wanting to belong somewhere that I felt when I was young.

Ticket to Heaven has been called "A lost gem of the early 1980s." That's a good way to describe the movie.

The movie is about a fairly normal Jewish man from Toronto in his early 20s named David.  David is going through some tough times. If I recall correctly, he lost his job and broke up with his girlfriend.

To help deal with his troubles, David decides to take a trip to visit a friend named Karl who has moved to San Francisco.

Immediately, Karl introduces David to the friends he's linked up with in San Francisco.  The friends tell him they run all sorts of causes and are some sort of a cooperative that does charity work and lives happily together.  They talk David into going on a retreat to somewhere in the California mountains.

At first David is not interested in all the "love bombing" that the group gives him during the retreat, but eventually, he does get sucked in and joins the cult.  He contacts his family and friends back in Canada and tells them he's not returning home.

David's good friend,  Larry, then goes out to San Francisco to check things out because something just doesn't seem "kosher" about David's sudden decision.

Larry almost gets sucked into the cult too, but escapes and returns to Canada.  There, he reports what he has learned to David's family and friends.  They decide to go to San Francisco and rescue David by kidnapping him and getting him out of the cult.

There are some scenes in the movie that remind me of my days with JFJ. The movie starts out with a van driving through San Francisco. There is a feeling of happiness in the van. I used to feel that just before I passed out broadsides (tracts) with JFJ. We all were united and I felt safe inside that van. When we went out onto the streets to share our message, I knew soon I'd be back safely in that van and I'd be safe among my friends. In order to belong, I had to go out and share a message (even if I may not have believed in what I was doing).

There is a scene where David goes off on his own when he couldn't sell flowers. He goes inside a restaurant and eats a hamburger. There were times I felt like doing that.

A similar movie, that also has almost has an identical plot is Blinded by the Light, another 80s film starring Kristy McNichol and Jimmy McNichol. In this story, Jimmy plays another young man named David who is happily part of a cult. His sister, Janet, decides to check out the cult to see if it is really as bad as her parents say it is and almost gets sucked in, but gets away. Janet and David's parents hire someone to get David out.

What's similar in both movies is how much David (in both movies) liked belonging to the groups. Getting taken away from the group was really, really hard. Everything logical didn't seem logical as I watch both Davids deal with the de-programmers. They want to be back with the group and believe their loving family and friends have done an evil thing by taking them away.

There's also a scene in Blinded by the Light when one of David's fellow cult members stops selling flowers and just sits down on the street and sings. He gave up selling flowers because he realized all of a sudden what he was doing was pointless.

I never did that, but there were times I felt like just throwing my tracts away and walking around or going to a coffee house to fill in the time before my team leader returned to take us back to the safety of the JFJ van. There were times I thought what I was doing was ridiculous, but I wanted to belong to the group so much that I just kept doing what I was doing.

Anyway...

As I think about both movies, I realized what I miss about being part of a religious group is that I have a tremendous need to belong somewhere, but I don't fit in with any religious group. I don't belong in the Christian world, but I also don't belong with Orthodox Jews. I don't want to be part of a reform synagogue either. I'm interested in spiritual things and seeking G-d, not the social aspect that is part of the more liberal synagogue or Jewish social groups.

I guess I will never quite belong to any religious group again, but I do know that I want to seek G-d. I know I can't do it alone though. Sometimes I don't quite understand why. If my relationship is between me and G-d, why do I need others to make that connection?

Book Review - Unorthodox: The Scandalous Rejection of My Hasidic Roots

I heard about the book Unorthodox: The Scandalous Rejection of My Hasidic Roots from a Jewish women's online discussion group. I thought I might as well read it.

Once it arrived, I couldn't put the book down since it was so upsetting!

For years, I've studied with a program called Partners In Torah. I've admired Orthodox Jews because of that experience.

My Partners In Torah study partner has taken me on a tour of Orthodox Jewish life and I've only heard and learned positive things.  What she describes is a loving community, a loving family, and a God that she and those around her seek in such a wonderful way.  The rules surrounding Orthodox Judaism don't seem like rules when we talk.

I'm also now studying with a program called TorahMates.  I've only talked to my study partner three times so far, but her world, too, is a wonderful place.  Yes, there are rules and restrictions, but again, it seems that that those rules and restrictions just make connections to G-d stronger.

I've also admired the Chabad Lubavitch, an ultra-Orthodox Jewish sect whose mission is to educate Jews all over the world about Judaism.

Through Chabad, and also through Partners in Torah and now Torah Mates, I've learned so many things.  For example, I wouldn't know about Jewish weddings, marriage contracts, Jewish marriage rituals, Shabbos, Passover, Purim, how to read Hebrew, and lots of other things if it hadn't been for my contact with these groups and for their willingness to share information with me.

It just never occurred to me that some Chasidic Jews felt trapped in that world and wanted out.

Deborah Feldman tells her story "like it is."  She didn't do anything different than I did when I told my
story in my book Sentenced for Life.  I told the truth.  Ellen Kamentsky told the truth in her book Hawking God.  Deborah Feldman tells the truth too.  All of us wanted "out."  All of us just told our stories.

All of us did get "out."  The thing is, my story and my life has continued.  So has Ellen's.  And...so will Deborah Feldman's life...she's only about twenty-six years old now.  She may look back.  She will remember.  What she experienced will never quite leave her.  I've always admired Ellen since she seems to have never looked back.  I admit I have looked back.

Now...back to Deborah Feldman:

As I read Deborah Feldman's story, I was horrified! I have heard about almost everything she described.

I had always thought of the Mikvah experience as a wonderful experience. Feldman's experiences were awful.

I thought of family in her community as the most wonderful thing in the world. Her family was not a wonderful. It didn't seem like she was ever loved.

Until I read this book, I thought Jewish day schools and Jewish camps were special places; now, I'm not so sure.

One thing I am sure of: I'm so glad I was not born into a Chasidic family! I'm so glad my parents and grand-parents were "your average secular Jews" and not "religious fanatics!  I'm also sure that I would never again want to venture further in any fanatical religious world or into any place where religious practices, thoughts, or rules could control my life or the lives of those I love.