Way Back Then - Was It Only One Month Ago?

Just a little over a month ago, according to those who believe, I was doing "all the right things." I had taken a very scary "plunge." I had prayed a "sinner's prayer" with a Jews for Jesus missionary, I attended some church services, and I was reading the Bible.

I also went to a Jews for Jesus
Christ in the Passover Presentation and went to a presentation by Jews for Jesus's traveling music group, Blue Mosaic, when they were in Colorado.

I also tried to listen to Christian music and had told my husband that I believed. I even got Dan to take me to a service at a Calvary Chapel. I prayed every day, I listened to and attended some online bible studies, and tried my best to seek God.

I felt renewed and told people I'd hurt that I was sorry. My anger about certain things disappeared. Something was different and I felt a new joy inside my being.

That was a month ago. That "month ago" seems like an eternity away now.

I have tried, but I just can't seem to fit in (or do I want to fit in) with the world of believers.

I am Jewish. My kids are Jewish. Over fifteen years ago, Dan and I decided to raise our children in the Jewish faith. We are secular Jews, but we are Jewish. My children and husband are not "open" to the Gospel at all. (It's just very hard in my house to believe in something that the rest of the family considers "dumb.")

We just celebrated Passover, but did buy some jelly beans that we ate on Easter Sunday. I did "attend church" on Easter Sunday (online with my best friend and lifelong friend, Marion), but still, I feel so far from God right now.

I am just not sure that I can "do this."

How can this be? Moishe Rosen told me in 2003 that my faith (in the past) was never real and was based on feelings. Did I make everything up this time around too? I don't want to pretend I believe or behave or talk or act a certain "expected way." I made that mistake over 30 years ago and don't want to do that again.

For those who read my blog, I do ask for your prayers. I very much believe that prayer works and I very much believe in God.

• A Short Summary of My Spiritual Search - By Jo Ann Schneider Farris - Written on 3-30--2011