From one point of view, I'm a hopeless case

I met with Lynn this afternoon via Skype. She was very direct with me. She kept saying, "What am I going to do with you, Jo Ann? I just don't know what to do with you."

She told me that she knows that I wrote on this blog that I am NOT a "believer." She stated that I've made it public that I've rejected Jesus.

It's hard to know what to "do with me."

I told her that for some reason, I want to keep the "door" slightly open, but I just don't want to be a Christian.

The thing is, Jews for Jesus is about telling Jews that Jesus is the messiah, showing them the "way" and then making sure they are "grounded" in a church.

I don't want to go that route, but...

I believe in God with my whole heart and mind. I just want to seek God as a Jew. I am a hopeless case it seems from a certain point of view...

Thinking about all of this is very uncomfortable.

Well...it's almost time for Shabbat. Tonight I will attend Temple Beit Torah with my family and seek God. I will ask God to continue to guide me and help me figure out what to do.

I Am Jewish

I am Jewish. My kids are Jewish. Over fifteen years ago, Dan and I decided to raise our children in the Jewish faith. We are secular Jews, but we are Jewish. My children and husband are not "open" to the Gospel at all. (It's just very hard in my house to try to believe in something that the rest of the family considers "dumb.")

The Jesus Movement-Revolution Was All About LOVE

In the late 1970s, I was attracted to LOVE. I was attracted to The Jesus Movement, sometimes called The Jesus Revolution. So was my husband and we met "there."

That was the time when it was "totally cool" to be high on Jesus and to LOVE. I sort of stumbled on Calvary Chapel and I saw hippies loving Jesus. I found I had to be around all that love.

It didn't occur to me that I didn't "know Jesus," but the love that was passed around in those days was catching. I didn't have to pretend to love. Something wonderful came out of me and I do believe that love that came out of me was guided by God.

There's a group on Facebook: Original Jesus Freaks - Were You One of Them?

The main related thing I see in the group's discussion is Calvary Chapel (or churches related to or like Calvary Chapel). Love and peace were so much a part of Calvary Chapels in those days. The same love was at the Atherton House.

I miss that time.

If I could find people that loved like the "Jesus Freaks" loved in those days, I'd go to where those people are. Young people find it easy to gather. In time, it's not easy to find people that just love for the sake of loving. There are two many walls in the way as we grow older.

I'm ending this post with one of favorite songs from that time.

Charity - Music and Lyrics by Kenn Gulliksen

Based on 1 Corinthians 13

Although I speak with tongues

Of men and of angels

And though I prophesy

And understand all

Although I have all faith
So mountains may be removed
And though I feed the poor
And give of my life

Chorus:

If I have not charity
If love does not flow from me
I am nothing
Jesus reduce me to love

Love is patient and kind
Love is not envious
Not proud but gentle and meek
Seeks not its own way
Love sings when Jesus prevails
Believes and endures all things
Love hopes and bears every wrong
And love never fails

Repeat Chorus

One season I was a child
I spoke and I thought as a child
But when I turned to a man
Such ways put aside
Though now we see through a glass
Yet then we shall see face to face
Though now abide faith and hope
The greatest is love

Repeat Chorus

Narrowing Down What I Believe or Might Believe

I was laying in bed this morning thinking about what I believe (or might believe). I have to put some thoughts down in writing since I've just been so confused lately.

Here's my list:

1) I do believe in God with my whole heart and mind.

I love these words:

"And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might."

2) I do believe what is described in the Torah did really happen.

I can't explain why, but I do.

3) I do believe that Jesus did live on this earth and the things described about his time on earth in the New Testament probably did happen.

The stories were recorded for a reason.

4) I do believe (almost I think) that Jesus did die and perhaps did appear on the earth again because God can make anything happen.

Now comes the hard part:

5) I still think that there is more than one way to God. Jesus may be a way, and even though the New Testament says believing that Jesus died for me and others is the only way, I just don't believe that is true.

Comment:

Why, if I don't believe Jesus is the only way, did I tell Lynn Wein McCoy I was ready to pray with her last February? Why did I feel something change in me after praying with Lynn? Why did I tell a few select friends about the change in me?

I just don't know the answers to those questions.

I told Lynn that I no longer thought the story of Jesus dying on the cross was a fairy tale. I wanted to have God in my life. At the time, I needed God so much. Jesus seemed like a way for me at the time.

Right now, I seem to be happier with being Jo Ann who seeks God as a Jew. I love so many things about Judaism and want to pass that way of seeking God to my children. I've been doing that for years.

Like I said, I love these words:

"And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might."

Deuteronomy 6:4-9

Sh'ma Yis'ra'eil Adonai Eloheinu Adonai echad. Hear, Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is One.

In an undertone: Barukh sheim k'vod malkhuto l'olam va'ed. Blessed be the Name of His glorious kingdom for ever and ever.

V'ahav'ta eit Adonai Elohekha b'khol l'vav'kha uv'khol naf'sh'kha uv'khol m'odekha. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.

V'hayu had'varim ha'eileh asher anokhi m'tzav'kha hayom al l'vavekha. And these words that I command you today shall be in your heart.

V'shinan'tam l'vanekha v'dibar'ta bam And you shall teach them diligently to your children, and you shall speak of them

b'shiv't'kha b'veitekha uv'lekh't'kha vaderekh uv'shakh'b'kha uv'kumekha when you sit at home, and when you walk along the way, and when you lie down and when you rise up.

Uk'shar'tam l'ot al yadekha v'hayu l'totafot bein einekha. And you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be for frontlets between your eyes.

Ukh'tav'tam al m'zuzot beitekha uvish'arekha. And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

John 1: 29--33 - lamb of God?

I really don't understand any of what is below. I do "get" the idea that Passover lambs were sacrificed so the the Hebrews were spared in Egypt, so there must be some parallel here.

-------------------------

Jesus the Lamb of God

29The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, “Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!30This is the one I meant when I said, ‘A man who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.’ 31I myself did not know him, but the reason I came baptizing with water was that he might be revealed to Israel.”

32Then John gave this testimony: “I saw the Spirit come down from heaven as a dove and remain on him. 33I would not have known him, except that the one who sent me to baptize with water told me, ‘The man on whom you see the Spirit come down and remain is he who will baptize with the Holy Spirit.’ 34I have seen and I testify that this is the Son of God.”

Proverbs 3: 5--6 - My thoughts

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.

Last night, I "went" to the weekly online discussion group that is associated with Lynn's church, McClean Bible Church. During the discussion, the leader, Cindy, kept posting the above lines from Proverbs over and over.

Rather than commenting on more of John 1 today, I will "take a break" today and comment on those verses.

I love those words. That's really all I need to say...I want to do that. I've wanted to do so for a very long time and wonder why I can't do what the verses recommend from a Jewish point of view.

My studies with Partners in Torah have taught me that those who followed God faithfully went on the right path.

I have noticed that from the orthodox Jewish point of view, it takes work and diligence to work towards doing what the Proverts verses ask; I also think Christians would use those verses as reminders of God's faithfulness.

My Two Identities

I saw this movie once about a guy who had two lives. He actually had two wives. One wife had children and with that wife he led a traditional existence. The other wife didn't want children. When he was with that wife, he led the life of a free person who did lots of wild things.

He didn't want either wife to know he had a very different life somewhere else and with someone else. I recall he was happy with that existence until somehow he got caught!

Okay...now I'm not doing that...I don't have two different families or anything...but...

There are two of ME sort of:

One is Jo Ann the Jew who has loves being Jewish. That person is open about who she is and what her family believes and is comfortable sharing how she worships G-d as a Jew. That person fits into the Colorado Springs Jewish community and is passing her love of Judaism on to her children. That person loves G-d with her whole heart, but is open and thinks that whatever way someone chooses to follow God is okay. That person is happy with being Jewish and sees lots of wonderful things in the Jewish way of life.

The other is Jo Ann, who is Jewish, who maybe would like to explore or follow Jesus just in case that is the way to God. That person doesn't want anyone (except for a select few) to know she is considering any of "this." That person is also having a hard time believing there is only one way to God, but seems to be seeking something. That person is uncomfortable with a lot of things she associates with Christianity.

When these two identities meet, there seems to be a battle inside of me. Sometimes I cringe thinking about even exploring anything Christian, but yet, something keeps telling me I should not totally walk away from it.