Long Live God!

Yesterday when I was driving through beautiful Colorado, I listened to music from the musical Godspell. The last song, ends with the resurrection and the chorus keeps singing, "Long live God..Long live God..." I found myself singing along. All of a sudden, I knew. Jesus Is God! I believe. Now, I just must make that commitment and follow through.

It is strange in some way for me to realize that a month ago, I wondered if there was a God at all, but certain events in my life have convinced me there is.  I have been "humbled in a big way."  I'm not going to write about what happened, but I truly believe G-d taught me a lesson and that lesson not only showed me He exists, but also taught me about forgiveness.

In some ways, I am like the Prodigal Son, returning to his father, but I'm not sure that totally describes my journey.  I know there is more humbling to come before I make that final commitment.  I have to spend more time in the "pig pen," and "eat with the swine," and be miserable at bit longer, but will leave soon...

 

Though None Go With Me....No Turning Back

I watched a movie last night called "Though None Go With Me." It is the story of a woman who made a commitment to G-d, but then, afterwards, faced terrible sadness and trials in life. Throughout her life, even though she doubted G-d at times, she continued to trust and believed. At the end of the movie, she was honored by her community for over 50 years of doing good things. People came forward who she had touched.

I found the movie because I was intrigued with the song, "I've Decided to Follow Jesus." I read a bit about the history of the song, and stumbled on the movie.

Right now, today...1-19-2013, I'm trying to decide if I should do what I've been fighting for so long. Should I take the "plunge?" I know this time around there can be "no turning back" and "none may go with me" in my family.

At this time, I am going through a hard time personally and professionally and need major prayer. What I am going through is very, very serious. It seems like in times like this, I turn to G-d, but then I always walk away and go back to what I was doing before.

I feel like Jimmy Stewart in the movie "It's a Wonderful Life." I asked my FB friends for prayers. It's overwhelming to see how many people care! I still need those prayers and thoughts, and will especially need them on Tuesday morning 1-22-2013 Mountain time at 9:00 am. I also realized that I've done many good things in my life, but also have done bad things. I don't want to do those bad things ever again. Yes, this time, I have to make the commitment not to "go back."

My Tormented Nights May Be Over

Last night, I slept in peace. Not only did I sleep in peace, but the evil that had haunted me for months was gone. I knew it. My tormented nights are over I think.

I felt like I was a new person who had just been released from a dark prison.

This is what led up to it:

Yesterday...all of a sudden, the anger and hate that has been inside of me disappeared. It started when I woke up in the morning and continued through the day.

What happened with me being told I needed to "change my ways" regarding writing about negative things that had to do with a certain subject may have changed my life. By "repenting" and saying I was sorry (I was forced to do that in writing), I had a chance to start over with a clean slate.

There was even a person who acted as a mediator for me. When she talked to me about the serious nature of what I had done, I told her that I understood what she asked me to do and I told her that I could and would change. I made that promise to her and then put that promise in writing.

She did the work for me as far as relaying my apology and promise to change to "the upper-ups," but it was up to me to make the commitment to stop writing negative publicity about a certain subject.

I had lost a battle and admitted defeat. In a sense "I surrendered." I had been humbled but found I rather enjoyed being humbled...

The feeling that I have been released from the battle I had been fighting may have changed me inside. The hate and anger disappeared.

I thought I'd only said I was sorry to make things right on the outside, but yesterday, I realized that I was really sorry and wanted to change. There was a feeling of being free by letting go of the battle since I can no longer fight it.

And the hate that motivated me to fight that battle was gone.

I was sorry too on how I treated God and I wanted to obey Him.

I kept telling God I was sorry, but I didn't think that had done any good since I believed it was fake, but yesterday I realized that night of saying sorry every hour during another sleepless and haunted night was not fake at all. God heard me and God forgave me and now I can sleep again.

I have been taught a lesson (perhaps by G-d)

Yesterday, I got a call that I think may have inspired a change in me.

I was told that I had to make a major change regarding some of the articles I have published on a certain subect. In fact, I can no longer write any articles about that subject without getting myself into major trouble. I have been told I am not in trouble yet, but if I continue what I am doing, I will be.

To sum things up, I've been disciplined like a bad child might be disciplined and I had to apologize.

As I reflect on what has happened, I realize that what has happened may be a good thing. I no longer have to fight a battle and cause that I can't possibly win. In fact, I have been defeated. I thought my efforts were good, but maybe they were not.

As I am just beginning to believe in God once again, and I believe that God may have used this situation to teach me a lesson. I have been humbled too.

It didn't feel good about being disciplined and defeated at first, but today, when I was talking to someone and just enjoying the conversation, I realized the cause had filled me with hate and had caused idle and perhaps even unnecessary talk or gossip to come out of my mouth. The hate is gone now since this is no longer my battle and I can move forward.

I may even truly be sorry. (I have wondered also if G-d needs me to apologize for denying His existence for that past two months.)

Update - I believe in God again

I haven't written in awhile since I've had very little to say.  For the past two months, I've wondered if G-d existed.  When I told some friends about what I wondered, some discussion generated.  It's been a tough time actually.  Also, when I tried to face each day without G-d, I felt very vulnerable, so it seems that for now, I do believe in God.

Does God Exist?

Yom Kippur in 60 seconds

This year, this is about all I'm going to do for Yom Kippur.