I recently read All Who Go Do Not Return by Shulem Deen. The book was hard to put down and "shook my soul." It got me thinking a lot about religion and cults and shunning and all sorts of related things.
Below is my summary and thoughts of his memoir.
Shulem Deen's parents were former hippies. During that time, in the 1960s, young people got into drugs, but also some young people got into religion. Unlike many of the young people that got involved in the Jesus Movement in the 1960s, Deen's parents went the "opposite way" and became Chassidic Jews. I wish so much that they'd not gone "full force" into being Chassidic since Deen and his siblings had no choice on how to live their lives.
Deen grew up in a sheltered society in what was called a Chassidic village right in the middle of New York City. Life there was lived as if the people were living in the 1800s in Russia, but there were modern conveniences. Marriages were arranged and the Rebbe gave his approvals and blessings for each match. At seventeen, all of Shulem's friends were getting engaged and then married by the time they were 18. He met his wife to be for only seven minutes at an arranged meeting before their actual wedding. On their wedding night, Deen had to call a mentor to make sure they were "doing it right."
I learned how little secular education those in the Chassidic community get. I learned how married couples are required to have sexual intercourse twice a week (I think it is Friday after Shabbat dinner and on Tuesday night). I learned how men are not supposed to look at women after Bar Mitvah age. I learned how most of the Chassidic families live off of food stamps and are on welfare since the men's primary "job" is to study Torah.
I also learned how beautiful a weekly Shabbat dinner and celebration for a family can be.
I learned how as time progressed, that Shulem and his wife Gitty began to love one another. Although having five children was a financial burden, Shulem Deen adored each of his children so very much.
As time progressed, Deen realized he did not believe in God at all, but could not possibly choose to leave the tight knit community and life he was born into, but he was thrown out of his community by the leaders of his community because word got out that he was encouraging others to rethink the tight rules and regulations of the Chassidic life. He read secular books, watched television, surfed the internet, and even visited secular places. He learned there was a whole world out there. That world he shared with others that were also rethinking the life they were born into. He became "anonymously famous" for his Hasidic Rebel blog.
Deen's wife was really unhappy when the family was forced to leave all they knew and live outside the community. As time passed the couple decided it would be best to divorce. She went back of course.
At first, after the divorce, Deen saw his children all the time, but little by little, each of his five children decided to have nothing to do with him. That is the part of his story that broke my heart.
Today Shulem Deen lives the life of a secular Jewish man, but he may be involved with the Reform Jewish community. He helps those that leave Hasidism. Despite being deprived of a high school education, Deen eventually became an educated man and is now a very talented writer. His mother and siblings still accept him and have him into their homes. but his children and ex-wife (who remarried) have shut him out of their lives. That breaks my heart.
I think Deen being shut out of his children's lives is the saddest part of his whole story. I have thought about that a lot since the hardest part of me believing that there are multiple ways to God is that those that believe there is only one way don't always accept me back into their lives. Recently, during my recent trip to Israel, someone I believed was a dear friend did not wish to see me. That made me so sad.
I have had a really hard time understanding the rules and regulations associated with Orthodox Judaism and am so glad I consider myself a Reform Jew since nothing is required. I love seeking God that way.
Some of the people in Deen's religious community thought he might eventually return, but he never will. I know there is no chance I will go back "there" either even though I see no reason not to allow those who are still "there" into my life. I have committed myself to sharing the joy I have in life with everyone I meet and touch.
Yes, I've been shunned by some "friends" who I thought would be lifelong friends who I knew from my religious past. That is perhaps the reason I cried so hard when I got to the end of Shulem Deen's book.
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