I decided this past week that I needed to write out my life memories about loss of friendships since it was really bothering me. Writing helps me. My memories of loss go back to elementary school!
Below is the part I wrote regarding loss of friends associated with a cult-like religious group my husband Dan and I were involved with.
The Cult-Like Group Years
In 1977-78, I got involved with a cult-like religious group. After I married my husband Dan in 1979, we volunteered with the group and then in 1982, became official volunteers. The group stated they were not a cult, but functioned like one.
It wasn't until we went on staff in 1988 and became full-time employees of the religious group, did we realize something was "off." The group encouraged us to only make friends within the group and to think of those in the group as our family. That mentality made one dependent on the group. When someone left, they usually were considered outcasts.
In late 1991, Dan and I moved from San Francisco where the group was based to Colorado Springs; we continued to volunteer with the group, so we weren't totally cut off from the "friends' we made "there." As time passed, we made a new life for ourselves in Colorado and really forgot about the group and the people in it, but around 2000, someone who wanted to leave contacted me via email and shortly after that some of the people we knew from the group reconnected with me.
I was delighted to be connected again with so many people from my past, but some of the connections were not delightful. Eventually, I led a cause to expose the wrongs of the religious group and its practices.
The current executive director's wife and I had been friends because of skating, but when she found out I was leading that cause, told me flat out I was no longer welcome in her life. I took that news very hard since I delighted in her friendship. I just didn't understand why our skating friendship was affected by me connecting with those who had left the group and I missed her.
About two years later, the executive director reached out to me and told me that his wife wished to connect with me again. That news made me so, so happy! But...later I found out her friendship with me was just a love bombing technique to gain information about the "ex-group cause." I felt so stupid.
In 2010, I found out through the "gossip grapevine" that she was getting a divorce. When I reached out to her as a friend, she was so, so angry that I knew about the divorce. Things were never the same, but she did contact me about five years later and we've had some correspondence since then. The thing is, I thought she was my friend, so the pain related to losing her has always caused an ache in me. We really had a nice friendship...or so I thought.
Another person in the group's wife wrote me detailed letters about her life from about 1978 through 1986-87 or so. I was under the impression that they were real letters about her life and family. Her letters gradually stopped coming as time went on and eventually stopped altogether. When I would see her at the organization's events, she acted as if we'd never had a special friendship. I realize now I was only a person on her or her husband's caseload. I felt hurt and tricked. If I saw that person again today I doubt she would have much to say to me and she probably has no memory of how I poured my life out to her in letters.
I learned during that time of connection and fighting the group that the group encouraged those involved to cut off relationships with people that were or are considered trouble. I may be one of the individuals that people were instructed to avoid.
When Facebook became a "thing" and I reconnected with so many who still were involved in the group or once worked for them, I was "unfriended" several times by individuals who had once been involved or who I thought were friends. That attitude of suspicion and lack of trust has affected me greatly in my life.
When I went to Israel in April of 2019, I reconnected with every person I knew that had been associated with the group who now lives in Israel. Every encounter gave me delight and happiness except for one where an individual told me she was too busy to connect and then would not respond when I asked if at least we could talk on the phone. I still am sad about that loss since we had once been close.
More recently, someone from the group told me she needs to disengage from me for a time. I just wish that I could be there for her and tell her what's going on in my life, but she tells me it is not permanent, so I look forward to being in touch with her when she is ready. A friend tells me that her wanting to be friends with me on her terms and in her time is unhealthy, so maybe I should just forget about that "friendship."
I am very sure that I have been deeply hurt from the years I was involved in the group, but also from the aftermath and I've never really gotten over it.
I think about the Carole King song "Now and Forever." The lyrics, "Now and Forever, you are a part of me and the memory cuts like a knife..." "Now and Forever I will always think of you." "Didn't we come together? Didn't we love together? Didn't we play together?" "I miss the day we met and all that followed after." "Now and Forever I will always think of you."
We experienced something together that only can be understood by US. The words from that Carole King song really describe what impact that group had on my life.
Many from this group have told me flat out they don't wish to be in contact with me, but to be fair, others have come back into my life and have given me great delight. I am so glad. I have also been told I may have hurt some who were involved in the group, so I need to accept that things can never again be "the way we were."
Please STOP the hate and embrace diversity, very sad and disgusting your consumed with so much hate.
JO ANN
I think the main thing to consider about Deborah Feldman is that this book is mostly a work of fiction. Her mom didn't leave home when she was young, her parents lived on the first floor of the same building with her grandparents, her mom just got divorced about a year or so ago from her father, she had a sister she never mentioned, she was frequently escorted to the PUBLIC libraries with her neighbor's kids, she attended a "liberal" orthodox school (with a secular curriculum) for many years before she was kicked out for repeatedly talking with the other girls about sexual reproduction and the female anatomy and she only spent 4 years at a Satmar school which was generous enough to take in this trouble child after some major arm twisting from her "evil" aunt Chaya. Oh and the murder she detailed wasn't really a murder it was a suicide, the 13 year old boy was a troubled 20 year old and the police and coroners reports (which she claimed didn't exist) do not mention severed penis. Other than that...
After reading every book review, excerpt, interview, commentary and blog I could find on this topic (including the one Ms Feldman wrote "anonymously" and used as the basis of this book) I decided not to actually read the remainder of her book. I know that is generally frowned upon in this forum, but I really truly did my research on this subject before commenting on it.
Take care--have a joyous PURIM!!
By the way, did you read the book? The experience Deborah Feldman describes at her first time at the Mikvah is especially upsetting. I plan to ask my study partner from Partners In Torah about that when we study in the coming week.
Best,
JO ANN
Ms. Feldman exaggerated (invented may be more accurate) many of the "restrictions" on women in the Satmar world. I am not sure if she did it for spite, poetic license, or to spice up her book to increase sales, but the fact is there is no curfew on women, people wear seat-belts, women eat in restaurants, etc. She misstated many laws and traditions and has been called out on this not only by other Orthodox Jews, but by others who have left the community as well.
Many of the stories and claims in the book have been debunked by people who know her, grew up with her and went to school with her. Claims about her education and her family have also been proven to be false by many independent sources. Then there is the rumor that she printed in her book. There is no evidence of a murder taking place or a cover-up. The case was investigated by the State Police, it was ruled a suicide by the coroner, a death certificate was issued and there was no mention of a severed penis. Everything Ms. Feldman claimed was proven to be false (SEE LINKS BELOW FOR DETAILS). And all she managed to do by printing this salacious rumor was cause further harm to an already grieving family. After viewing the evidence everyone should be able to acknowledge this terrible lack of judgment on her part. She owes this family and the community a heartfelt apology for repeating this false claim in a book. Personally I feel a libel suit is warranted against her and her publisher for the harm they caused by purposely printing an unsubstantiated rumor.
Here are independent sources for you to check out.
http://www.nydailynews.com/blogs/pageviews/2012/03/the-second-coming-of-james-frey-hasidic-jews-charge-that-one-of-their-own-has-publ
http://www.thejewishweek.com/news/new_york/unorthodox_authors_claim_cover_up_countered
http://blogs.forward.com/sisterhood-blog/151489/
http://failedmessiah.typepad.com/failed_messiahcom/2012/03/more-evidence-deborah-feldman-lied-678.html
Someone who is a product of a stable home and is honest about their background, upbringing and community (Ms. Feldman is none of these) could have written a much better account of this community. I would advise anyone reading this book to view it as fiction and take her claims as they would something written by Dickens or Hemingway.
If you don't stop harassing me saying "I am consumed with hate", I WILL report YOU to Amazon!!! For YOU or anyone else that reads this...I DO NOT HATE THE SATMARS OR ANY JEWISH PERSON!!! I am Jewish myself, my father in law was a Holocaust survivor. I have NO problem with the Satmars either.....everyone is entitled to their beliefs....they want to live their lives their way, that is fine. I don't choose to live my life that way and neither does Ms. Feldman, and that is FINE too!!!
I read Deborah's book and I liked it.....this is the story of a woman's courageous journey from a very tight knit community and she decided to leave it because it WASN'T for her. No problem with that but yet some people on this site seem to think that it's a problem because this woman doesn't want to be a part of that particular community. Leave the girl alone already. She doesn't want to be a Satmar Jew, OK so no big deal. She has nothing against the Satmars or any of the Jews. She is still Jewish but she just chooses to live her life in a different way!! Live and let live!!! For those of you that just keep saying how she lied, how bad she is, this and that, etc., you are just making it worse for yourselves as it proves to me, that in your "community" everyone has to be like you are. Just remember, everyone is different, unfortunately the Nazi's didn't think that and wanted everyone to be the same....blond hair, blue eyes......the world would be quite boring, if we are all the same. We are all flowers in life's garden and we are all part of ONE race....THE HUMAN RACE!!!
Btw, I do not know Deborah Feldman at all....I only heard of her a few weeks ago when a family member of mine posted a link on FB to the article in the NY Post....so I decided to read her book. Most of it was familiar to me as I am familiar with the ways of the Orthodox Jews as other family members are very Orthodox. It's unfortunate that I have to defend myself on a website which I will not be doing anymore. Mr. Jason K.....if you harass me ONE more time, I WILL REPORT YOU!!!! You are entitled to your opinions, but LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!
Your statement only confirms even more that Feldman Lied because Baila is from Satmar and writes perfect English not like Feldman stated that Stamar women have a 4th grade education level, just like Hella Winston who is NOT even an Orthodox Jew, failed Messiah and many former satmars will attest that Feldman did lie in her book.
To Sandi,
So far you or anyone else who trolls on Feldman Facebook has yet to bring proof of what Feldman writes is true, Feldman is coming out to be more and more the new James Frey. it is no wonder a Holocaust denier such as Michael Hoffman would endorse this book. it is very sad your consumed with so much hate.
I really liked your comments. I felt they came from your heart. And were not mean spirited like many of the reviews here.
The one thing I disagreed with is on your assumption that Debrah Feldman was truthful. I am curious as to why you would take her word over your friends in Chabad and Partners in Torah and Torah Mates?
Ms. Feldman exaggerated (invented might be a more accurate term) many of the "restrictions" on women in the Satmar world. I am not sure if she did it for spite, poetic license, or to spice up her book in order to increase sales, but the fact is there is no curfew on women, people wear seat-belts, women eat in restaurants, etc. I am not a woman, so I cannot say firsthand, but I have heard many women enjoy the Mikvah experience. In my Hasidic community women are CEOs, Corporate Attorneys, Anesthesiologists, Doctors, etc. There are no restrictions on reading, English or anything else. They CHOOSE to live a modest lifestyle according to the Torah because they prefer this lifestyle to the secular lifestyle. They are not being held back or being held hostage. No one is forcing them to do anything they don't want to do.
Ms Feldman misstated many laws and traditions and has been called out on this not only by other Orthodox Jews, but by others who have left the community as well. Many of the stories and claims she made in the book (the murder, her "4th grade education, etc.) have been debunked by people who know her, grew up with her and went to school with her and her sister (whom she doesn't mention in the book).
Reading her words in interviews, from the book and her "anonymous" blog (which appears to be the base from which this book is formed), I have surmised that Ms. Feldman is a very gifted writer with an uncanny ability to twist reality to fit perfectly with her thesis. I can also see instances of an immature, self-centered, petulant and somewhat materialistic person peak out through her writings. The way she treated people who tried to help her both in REAL LIFE and in her book is upsetting.
Someone who is a product of a stable home and is honest about their background, upbringing and community (Ms. Feldman is none of these) could have written a much better account of this community.
My advice would be to take the claims made in this book with a grain of salt and continue to learn with your friends and see the reality behind Ms. Feldman's fantasy world.
http://www.cnn.com/video/?/video/bestoftv/2012/03/02/exp-point-feldman-unorthodox-two.cnn#/video/bestoftv/2012/03/02/exp-point-feldman-unorthodox-two.cnn
http://startingpoint.blogs.cnn.com/2012/03/02/author-deborah-feldman-explains-why-she-left-the-satmar-sect-of-the-hasidic-jewish-community/
You really should get your facts straight Baila....just saying. Ohhh and I agree with Betty 100% about your campaign to discredit Ms. Feldman....especially since in one of your posts you admit to NOT even reading the book. I always wondered how someone can critique a book when they never even read it.....hmmmm quite interesting!! Amazing...LOL!!
http://failedmessiah.typepad.com/failed_messiahcom/2012/03/more-evidence-deborah-feldman-lied-678.html
The second coming of James Frey?:
http://www.nydailynews.com/blogs/pageviews/2012/03/the-second-coming-of-james-frey-hasidic-jews-charge-that-one-of-their-own-has-publ
And to top it all, check this site out:
http://deborah-feldman-exposed.blogspot.com/
I'm sick to my stomach that we were duped by Feldman.