Every time I read exit stories about people leaving their Hassidic worlds and communities, I am haunted.
I read the book UnOrthodox by Deborah Feldman years ago and I was horrified, so I expected the worst when I decided to watch the new Netflix series UnOrthodox. (Below is the review I wrote of the book eight years ago.)
This plot is fascinating since Etsy wants to be a good wife and have babies, but right after her arranged marriage occurs, she and her husband can't consumate their marriage and produce a baby because Etsy suffers pain. Etsy's husband, Yanky, confides in his mother which makes things worse. What this shows is that it is considered best in Chassidic circles to divorce then to be childless.
Etsy finally does get pregnant, but finds out just before her husband tells her that he wants a divorce. (She was about to tell him she was pregnant, but didn't get to.)
After the divorce request, Etsy flees her life in New York and goes to Germany where her mother lives. It turns out that Etsy was taken from her mother when she was three years old, after her mother left the Satmar community, but was told that her mother deserted her. How horribly painful that story is too.
In this Netflix series, the story jumps back and forth from Etsy's fleeing from New York to flashbacks on what her life had been like as a Satmar.
From what I observed, Orthodox Judaism and traditions are very beautiful, but when one doesn't fit in the expected mold, there is no place for that person.
The short four episode series ends with Etsy making the decision not to go back.as she begins to make a life for herself in Germany. If the series continues, I imagine there will be a legal battle from her Chassidic community for custody of her baby. Etsy will find her place in the secular world, but also continue to enjoy Jewish traditions in the best way she can.
I felt so sorry for Etsy's husband Yanky. He just wants life to be normal and have his wife and baby back. I wish both Etsy and Yanky could have begun a new life together rather than Yanky being so confused. I imagine getting his child would completely take over his being if this plot continues. It seems like he really loves Etsy too.
This series was is chilling, but also probably authentic. Of course it made me be so very glad I was not born into a community like Etsy (the main character in the Netflix series) was born into.
I need to re-read Deborah Feldman's book again so I can compare the true story with the fictitious one on Netflix. As you can see below, in 2012, after I reviewed Feldman's book, I was told it was a work of fiction, but now I'm convinced more than ever that every word was true.
Customer Review
Reviewed in the United States on March 3, 2012
I heard about the book Unorthodox: The Scandalous Rejection of My Hasidic Roots from a Jewish women's online discussion group. I thought I might as well read it.
Once it arrived, I couldn't put the book down since it was so upsetting!
For years, I've studied with a program called Partners In Torah. I've admired Orthodox Jews because of that experience.
My Partners In Torah study partner has taken me on a tour of Orthodox Jewish life and I've only heard and learned positive things. What she describes is a loving community, a loving family, and a God that she and those around her seek in such a wonderful way. The rules surrounding Orthodox Judaism don't seem like rules when we talk.
I'm also now studying with a program called TorahMates. I've only talked to my study partner three times so far, but her world, too, is a wonderful place. Yes, there are rules and restrictions, but again, it seems that that those rules and restrictions just make connections to G-d stronger.
I've also admired the Chabad Lubavitch, an ultra-Orthodox Jewish sect whose mission is to educate Jews all over the world about Judaism.
Through Chabad, and also through Partners in Torah and now Torah Mates, I've learned so many things. For example, I wouldn't know about Jewish weddings, marriage contracts, Jewish marriage rituals, Shabbos, Passover, Purim, how to read Hebrew, and lots of other things if it hadn't been for my contact with these groups and for their willingness to share information with me.
It just never occurred to me that some Chasidic Jews felt trapped in that world and wanted out.
Deborah Feldman tells her story "like it is." Deborah Feldman tells the truth. She just wanted "out." She just told her story.
As I read Deborah Feldman's story, I was horrified! I have heard about almost everything she described.
I had always thought of the Mikvah experience as a wonderful experience. Feldman's experiences were awful.
I thought of family in her community as the most wonderful thing in the world. Her family was not a wonderful. It didn't seem like she was ever loved.
Until I read this book, I thought Jewish day schools and Jewish camps were special places; now, I'm not so sure.
One thing I am sure of: I'm so glad I was not born into a Chasidic family! I'm so glad my parents and grand-parents were "your average secular Jews" and not "religious fanatics!" I'm also sure that I would never want to venture into any fanatical religious world or into any place where religious practices, thoughts, or rules could control my life or the lives of those I love.
Once it arrived, I couldn't put the book down since it was so upsetting!
For years, I've studied with a program called Partners In Torah. I've admired Orthodox Jews because of that experience.
My Partners In Torah study partner has taken me on a tour of Orthodox Jewish life and I've only heard and learned positive things. What she describes is a loving community, a loving family, and a God that she and those around her seek in such a wonderful way. The rules surrounding Orthodox Judaism don't seem like rules when we talk.
I'm also now studying with a program called TorahMates. I've only talked to my study partner three times so far, but her world, too, is a wonderful place. Yes, there are rules and restrictions, but again, it seems that that those rules and restrictions just make connections to G-d stronger.
I've also admired the Chabad Lubavitch, an ultra-Orthodox Jewish sect whose mission is to educate Jews all over the world about Judaism.
Through Chabad, and also through Partners in Torah and now Torah Mates, I've learned so many things. For example, I wouldn't know about Jewish weddings, marriage contracts, Jewish marriage rituals, Shabbos, Passover, Purim, how to read Hebrew, and lots of other things if it hadn't been for my contact with these groups and for their willingness to share information with me.
It just never occurred to me that some Chasidic Jews felt trapped in that world and wanted out.
Deborah Feldman tells her story "like it is." Deborah Feldman tells the truth. She just wanted "out." She just told her story.
As I read Deborah Feldman's story, I was horrified! I have heard about almost everything she described.
I had always thought of the Mikvah experience as a wonderful experience. Feldman's experiences were awful.
I thought of family in her community as the most wonderful thing in the world. Her family was not a wonderful. It didn't seem like she was ever loved.
Until I read this book, I thought Jewish day schools and Jewish camps were special places; now, I'm not so sure.
One thing I am sure of: I'm so glad I was not born into a Chasidic family! I'm so glad my parents and grand-parents were "your average secular Jews" and not "religious fanatics!" I'm also sure that I would never want to venture into any fanatical religious world or into any place where religious practices, thoughts, or rules could control my life or the lives of those I love.
Please STOP the hate and embrace diversity, very sad and disgusting your consumed with so much hate.
JO ANN
I think the main thing to consider about Deborah Feldman is that this book is mostly a work of fiction. Her mom didn't leave home when she was young, her parents lived on the first floor of the same building with her grandparents, her mom just got divorced about a year or so ago from her father, she had a sister she never mentioned, she was frequently escorted to the PUBLIC libraries with her neighbor's kids, she attended a "liberal" orthodox school (with a secular curriculum) for many years before she was kicked out for repeatedly talking with the other girls about sexual reproduction and the female anatomy and she only spent 4 years at a Satmar school which was generous enough to take in this trouble child after some major arm twisting from her "evil" aunt Chaya. Oh and the murder she detailed wasn't really a murder it was a suicide, the 13 year old boy was a troubled 20 year old and the police and coroners reports (which she claimed didn't exist) do not mention severed penis. Other than that...
After reading every book review, excerpt, interview, commentary and blog I could find on this topic (including the one Ms Feldman wrote "anonymously" and used as the basis of this book) I decided not to actually read the remainder of her book. I know that is generally frowned upon in this forum, but I really truly did my research on this subject before commenting on it.
Take care--have a joyous PURIM!!
By the way, did you read the book? The experience Deborah Feldman describes at her first time at the Mikvah is especially upsetting. I plan to ask my study partner from Partners In Torah about that when we study in the coming week.
Best,
JO ANN
Ms. Feldman exaggerated (invented may be more accurate) many of the "restrictions" on women in the Satmar world. I am not sure if she did it for spite, poetic license, or to spice up her book to increase sales, but the fact is there is no curfew on women, people wear seat-belts, women eat in restaurants, etc. She misstated many laws and traditions and has been called out on this not only by other Orthodox Jews, but by others who have left the community as well.
Many of the stories and claims in the book have been debunked by people who know her, grew up with her and went to school with her. Claims about her education and her family have also been proven to be false by many independent sources. Then there is the rumor that she printed in her book. There is no evidence of a murder taking place or a cover-up. The case was investigated by the State Police, it was ruled a suicide by the coroner, a death certificate was issued and there was no mention of a severed penis. Everything Ms. Feldman claimed was proven to be false (SEE LINKS BELOW FOR DETAILS). And all she managed to do by printing this salacious rumor was cause further harm to an already grieving family. After viewing the evidence everyone should be able to acknowledge this terrible lack of judgment on her part. She owes this family and the community a heartfelt apology for repeating this false claim in a book. Personally I feel a libel suit is warranted against her and her publisher for the harm they caused by purposely printing an unsubstantiated rumor.
Here are independent sources for you to check out.
http://www.nydailynews.com/blogs/pageviews/2012/03/the-second-coming-of-james-frey-hasidic-jews-charge-that-one-of-their-own-has-publ
http://www.thejewishweek.com/news/new_york/unorthodox_authors_claim_cover_up_countered
http://blogs.forward.com/sisterhood-blog/151489/
http://failedmessiah.typepad.com/failed_messiahcom/2012/03/more-evidence-deborah-feldman-lied-678.html
Someone who is a product of a stable home and is honest about their background, upbringing and community (Ms. Feldman is none of these) could have written a much better account of this community. I would advise anyone reading this book to view it as fiction and take her claims as they would something written by Dickens or Hemingway.
If you don't stop harassing me saying "I am consumed with hate", I WILL report YOU to Amazon!!! For YOU or anyone else that reads this...I DO NOT HATE THE SATMARS OR ANY JEWISH PERSON!!! I am Jewish myself, my father in law was a Holocaust survivor. I have NO problem with the Satmars either.....everyone is entitled to their beliefs....they want to live their lives their way, that is fine. I don't choose to live my life that way and neither does Ms. Feldman, and that is FINE too!!!
I read Deborah's book and I liked it.....this is the story of a woman's courageous journey from a very tight knit community and she decided to leave it because it WASN'T for her. No problem with that but yet some people on this site seem to think that it's a problem because this woman doesn't want to be a part of that particular community. Leave the girl alone already. She doesn't want to be a Satmar Jew, OK so no big deal. She has nothing against the Satmars or any of the Jews. She is still Jewish but she just chooses to live her life in a different way!! Live and let live!!! For those of you that just keep saying how she lied, how bad she is, this and that, etc., you are just making it worse for yourselves as it proves to me, that in your "community" everyone has to be like you are. Just remember, everyone is different, unfortunately the Nazi's didn't think that and wanted everyone to be the same....blond hair, blue eyes......the world would be quite boring, if we are all the same. We are all flowers in life's garden and we are all part of ONE race....THE HUMAN RACE!!!
Btw, I do not know Deborah Feldman at all....I only heard of her a few weeks ago when a family member of mine posted a link on FB to the article in the NY Post....so I decided to read her book. Most of it was familiar to me as I am familiar with the ways of the Orthodox Jews as other family members are very Orthodox. It's unfortunate that I have to defend myself on a website which I will not be doing anymore. Mr. Jason K.....if you harass me ONE more time, I WILL REPORT YOU!!!! You are entitled to your opinions, but LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!
Your statement only confirms even more that Feldman Lied because Baila is from Satmar and writes perfect English not like Feldman stated that Stamar women have a 4th grade education level, just like Hella Winston who is NOT even an Orthodox Jew, failed Messiah and many former satmars will attest that Feldman did lie in her book.
To Sandi,
So far you or anyone else who trolls on Feldman Facebook has yet to bring proof of what Feldman writes is true, Feldman is coming out to be more and more the new James Frey. it is no wonder a Holocaust denier such as Michael Hoffman would endorse this book. it is very sad your consumed with so much hate.
I really liked your comments. I felt they came from your heart. And were not mean spirited like many of the reviews here.
The one thing I disagreed with is on your assumption that Debrah Feldman was truthful. I am curious as to why you would take her word over your friends in Chabad and Partners in Torah and Torah Mates?
Ms. Feldman exaggerated (invented might be a more accurate term) many of the "restrictions" on women in the Satmar world. I am not sure if she did it for spite, poetic license, or to spice up her book in order to increase sales, but the fact is there is no curfew on women, people wear seat-belts, women eat in restaurants, etc. I am not a woman, so I cannot say firsthand, but I have heard many women enjoy the Mikvah experience. In my Hasidic community women are CEOs, Corporate Attorneys, Anesthesiologists, Doctors, etc. There are no restrictions on reading, English or anything else. They CHOOSE to live a modest lifestyle according to the Torah because they prefer this lifestyle to the secular lifestyle. They are not being held back or being held hostage. No one is forcing them to do anything they don't want to do.
Ms Feldman misstated many laws and traditions and has been called out on this not only by other Orthodox Jews, but by others who have left the community as well. Many of the stories and claims she made in the book (the murder, her "4th grade education, etc.) have been debunked by people who know her, grew up with her and went to school with her and her sister (whom she doesn't mention in the book).
Reading her words in interviews, from the book and her "anonymous" blog (which appears to be the base from which this book is formed), I have surmised that Ms. Feldman is a very gifted writer with an uncanny ability to twist reality to fit perfectly with her thesis. I can also see instances of an immature, self-centered, petulant and somewhat materialistic person peak out through her writings. The way she treated people who tried to help her both in REAL LIFE and in her book is upsetting.
Someone who is a product of a stable home and is honest about their background, upbringing and community (Ms. Feldman is none of these) could have written a much better account of this community.
My advice would be to take the claims made in this book with a grain of salt and continue to learn with your friends and see the reality behind Ms. Feldman's fantasy world.
http://www.cnn.com/video/?/video/bestoftv/2012/03/02/exp-point-feldman-unorthodox-two.cnn#/video/bestoftv/2012/03/02/exp-point-feldman-unorthodox-two.cnn
http://startingpoint.blogs.cnn.com/2012/03/02/author-deborah-feldman-explains-why-she-left-the-satmar-sect-of-the-hasidic-jewish-community/
You really should get your facts straight Baila....just saying. Ohhh and I agree with Betty 100% about your campaign to discredit Ms. Feldman....especially since in one of your posts you admit to NOT even reading the book. I always wondered how someone can critique a book when they never even read it.....hmmmm quite interesting!! Amazing...LOL!!
http://failedmessiah.typepad.com/failed_messiahcom/2012/03/more-evidence-deborah-feldman-lied-678.html
The second coming of James Frey?:
http://www.nydailynews.com/blogs/pageviews/2012/03/the-second-coming-of-james-frey-hasidic-jews-charge-that-one-of-their-own-has-publ
And to top it all, check this site out:
http://deborah-feldman-exposed.blogspot.com/
I'm sick to my stomach that we were duped by Feldman.