I decided this past week that I needed to write out my life memories about loss of friendships since it was really bothering me. Writing helps me. My memories of loss go back to elementary school!
Below is the part I wrote regarding loss of friends associated with a cult-like religious group my husband Dan and I were involved with.
The Cult-Like Group Years
In 1977-78, I got involved with a cult-like religious group. After I married my husband Dan in 1979, we volunteered with the group and then in 1982, became official volunteers. The group stated they were not a cult, but functioned like one.
It wasn't until we went on staff in 1988 and became full-time employees of the religious group, did we realize something was "off." The group encouraged us to only make friends within the group and to think of those in the group as our family. That mentality made one dependent on the group. When someone left, they usually were considered outcasts.
In late 1991, Dan and I moved from San Francisco where the group was based to Colorado Springs; we continued to volunteer with the group, so we weren't totally cut off from the "friends' we made "there." As time passed, we made a new life for ourselves in Colorado and really forgot about the group and the people in it, but around 2000, someone who wanted to leave contacted me via email and shortly after that some of the people we knew from the group reconnected with me.
I was delighted to be connected again with so many people from my past, but some of the connections were not delightful. Eventually, I led a cause to expose the wrongs of the religious group and its practices.
The current executive director's wife and I had been friends because of skating, but when she found out I was leading that cause, told me flat out I was no longer welcome in her life. I took that news very hard since I delighted in her friendship. I just didn't understand why our skating friendship was affected by me connecting with those who had left the group and I missed her.
About two years later, the executive director reached out to me and told me that his wife wished to connect with me again. That news made me so, so happy! But...later I found out her friendship with me was just a love bombing technique to gain information about the "ex-group cause." I felt so stupid.
In 2010, I found out through the "gossip grapevine" that she was getting a divorce. When I reached out to her as a friend, she was so, so angry that I knew about the divorce. Things were never the same, but she did contact me about five years later and we've had some correspondence since then. The thing is, I thought she was my friend, so the pain related to losing her has always caused an ache in me. We really had a nice friendship...or so I thought.
Another person in the group's wife wrote me detailed letters about her life from about 1978 through 1986-87 or so. I was under the impression that they were real letters about her life and family. Her letters gradually stopped coming as time went on and eventually stopped altogether. When I would see her at the organization's events, she acted as if we'd never had a special friendship. I realize now I was only a person on her or her husband's caseload. I felt hurt and tricked. If I saw that person again today I doubt she would have much to say to me and she probably has no memory of how I poured my life out to her in letters.
I learned during that time of connection and fighting the group that the group encouraged those involved to cut off relationships with people that were or are considered trouble. I may be one of the individuals that people were instructed to avoid.
When Facebook became a "thing" and I reconnected with so many who still were involved in the group or once worked for them, I was "unfriended" several times by individuals who had once been involved or who I thought were friends. That attitude of suspicion and lack of trust has affected me greatly in my life.
When I went to Israel in April of 2019, I reconnected with every person I knew that had been associated with the group who now lives in Israel. Every encounter gave me delight and happiness except for one where an individual told me she was too busy to connect and then would not respond when I asked if at least we could talk on the phone. I still am sad about that loss since we had once been close.
More recently, someone from the group told me she needs to disengage from me for a time. I just wish that I could be there for her and tell her what's going on in my life, but she tells me it is not permanent, so I look forward to being in touch with her when she is ready. A friend tells me that her wanting to be friends with me on her terms and in her time is unhealthy, so maybe I should just forget about that "friendship."
I am very sure that I have been deeply hurt from the years I was involved in the group, but also from the aftermath and I've never really gotten over it.
I think about the Carole King song "Now and Forever." The lyrics, "Now and Forever, you are a part of me and the memory cuts like a knife..." "Now and Forever I will always think of you." "Didn't we come together? Didn't we love together? Didn't we play together?" "I miss the day we met and all that followed after." "Now and Forever I will always think of you."
We experienced something together that only can be understood by US. The words from that Carole King song really describe what impact that group had on my life.
Many from this group have told me flat out they don't wish to be in contact with me, but to be fair, others have come back into my life and have given me great delight. I am so glad. I have also been told I may have hurt some who were involved in the group, so I need to accept that things can never again be "the way we were."